15 years

Today marks 15 years of being married to this boy.


It also marks 19 1/2 years since this boy came into my life.


I was only 19 years old when he first held my hand and gave me a kiss goodnight after leaving a Wal-Mart Christmas party, and now that I am almost 40 years old, today marks the half-way point--Ray has been my main boy for half my life.


I wish I could say that I'm happily married to this boy. This boy is hard to love because he doesn't give freely of himself. He is closed up tight and even after 15 years of marriage, the door to his heart is still locked up tight.


Maybe I was naive all those years ago to think that I would be the one to unlock it, to get inside his heart and live there comfortably, without worry, with joy. But 15 years later, I'm still knocking and waiting for him to finally answer.


I know he is capable of letting people in. Hannah and Emily have an unconditional pass; they just slipped right on in seamlessly, without hesitation, and I know they will be there until that heart stops working. Sometimes I'm jealous. I want to be there too.


But, I'm not, so, since today marks 19 1/2 years since I gave this boy the key to my heart and 15 years since I told him to throw that key away so no one else could have it but him, I will go about my day hoping that maybe next year I will be able to celebrate the fact that I finally got in!